Se fini

Creole for "it's finished," meaning the journals on Cambodia. I could post a lot more, but I think I should stop, to offer new thoughts from the moment. But to everyone who wanted to hear: thank you. Awwquun jraan (thank you very much). I often would rather listen than speak, but it means a lot to be asked to share something so raw in me.

So final thoughts:
Thursday August 9, 2:35 am (somewhere)

"Now I am really out of Southeast Asia, on the plane, suspended in time. I will sleep. But now, I am churning. Following my friend's suggestion again to ask 'how am I feeling today?' before journaling...today I feel split in pieces.

Part of me is calm about my return. My friend also told me I was going to Cambodia for a reason, one I may not have known at the time. I think I've seen this reason now, in a deeper way, though I guess it's not far from my original thoughts. In the book, "Their Eyes Were Watching God," Janie Crawford says, 'You got to go there to know there." I went to Cambodia to know Cambodia, as much as I could in eight weeks anyway. I read the terrible history, and I wanted to see people rebuilding from it.

I admit that my selfish reason for wanting to go abroad so badly was to see if I could live and work in a poor country maybe long term. Also to continue to discern that medical call I keep hearing. I think I found both. At least I took a step. I'm open to being led, but I'm also ready to continue this path, however slowly I may go.

From Michael Himes, I learned that vocation is about joy, though not always happiness. From Pope JPII and Romero, I learned that solidarity may require great personal sacrifice. Being a doctor in a country like Cambodia...or Haiti doesn't feel like a sacrifice to me. It sure as heck isn't 'saving the world,' as people joke. I just feel as if I'm being pulled in a certain direction. I love the learning and the praxis. But I don't think I've started on any path on my own, without being pushed. And I don't think I can just forget about it.

My family's motto, 'from those to whom much is given, much is expected.' The Gospel for this coming Sunday (Luke 12:48): 'Much will be required from those entrusted with much, and more will be required from those entrusted with more.' Coincidence? Wow.

Teaching taught me about the real need for connection and partnership. My students can do great things...they don't really need our help to heal Cambodia's wounds...they just need us to allow them the resources they deserve.

Everything--especially the hospice--is showing me what it might mean to be a doctor. I love Phalla, my sister; all I did with her was talk and laugh and make flowers and cuddle. And my dear Malis....I guess I changed her and dressed her bedsore and stuff. I held her hand and sang and looked into her beautiful eyes. Did I help either of them? Really help? No. But these women, and so many like them, need real help.

Right now, I want to keep feeling these pieces. I want to love in humble awe. I had to leave Cambodia...so feeling is the very least I can do."